


Remade in Ashes

by ralf



Series: Close to Canon [22]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magic Loss, Post-Episode: s03e10 Erchomai, Supportive Alec Lightwood, Vulnerable Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-27 10:02:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15022205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ralf/pseuds/ralf
Summary: “Do you regret it?”[Set shortly after 3x10.]





	Remade in Ashes

He lies cradled in the curve of Alec's body, head pillowed on Alec's chest, legs still tangled from where Alec had pulled him down and demanded with insistent hands and pleading words that Magnus hand over every piece of himself.

Alec's heartbeat thumps calmingly in his ear, Alec's hand carding through his hair slowly while Magnus's fingers ghost over his ribs, making him shiver every once in a while.

He wonders if Alec did what he did to alleviate Magnus feeling of powerlessness and vulnerability, by deliberately putting himself in that position. He doesn't dare voice his thoughts though for fear that they might be confirmed. He's not ready to acknowledge the full extent of his weakness yet, to accept that it's out there for everyone to see, undeniable.

His gaze wanders to the scar marring Alexander's skin too close to his heart and he leans forward, tracing it with his lips.

It's still tender and pink but will pale with time. Even with all the magic in the world he couldn't have prevented this wound from scarring, the adamas in the arrow heads lethal to Downworlders and Shadowhunters alike. He's come so close to losing Alec and this will be an eternal reminder of his fragility.

Alec hasn't stopped holding him since they lay down and Magnus thinks Alec's skin on his is the only thing keeping him sane.

Alec's hand traces a path from Magnus's hair to his shoulder and he gives a soft sigh. “I'm sorry.”

Magnus blinks, lost for words. “What for?”

“For being so selfish. I should have taken care of you instead of just... taking.”

Before Magnus can think of something to say Alec adds, “I just- I needed the reassurance that you still...”

Magnus is once again left stunned by Alec's disarming honesty. He should have known better than to assume even for a second that Alec would use the intimacy between them as a means to an end. He gets up on one elbow, his other hand braced over the scar on Alec's chest. Looking into Alec's eyes he finds nothing but contrition and a smudge of sorrow.

Alec holds his gaze for barely a heartbeat before averting his eyes.

“I could never resent you, Alexander,” Magnus says slowly, firmly.

Alec breathes deeply and licks his lips, and Magnus knows he's steeling himself for whatever else he has on his mind.

“Do you regret it?”

Does he regret having spared Alec from killing his parabatai?

“No.”

Alec's still creased brow tells him this isn't enough.

“I would have regretted not doing it. It was the right decision.”

Alec hums for a moment, pensive. “That doesn't mean it's easy to bear.”

Trust Alec to cut through his defenses with unrelenting precision.

“What does it feel like?”

Despite the phrasing Magnus knows Alec isn't asking out of curiosity. He's offering for Magnus to talk about it and Magnus is surprised the usual urge to decline doesn't come.

He bites his lip, nerves creeping over him. Not so much at the prospect of opening up to Alec but more at the thought of tearing his walls down. Centuries worth of habit die hard.

He trusts Alec implicitly, but he can't imagine keeping eye contact for this. He lies down again, settling into Alec, expecting it to take him some time to put his emotions into words, but it rushes out of him all at once.

“If it was just pain I could handle it. But it's something else entirely. It's... not quite like missing a limb either. A limb is confined to one part of my body. But my magic is.. a part of _me_ , of every fiber of my being, it's everywhere... It _was_ everywhere. And now it's gone like the tide,  washed out of me and I keep waiting for it to come back and it's not and I'm--” He breaks off, closing his eyes against the oncoming tears. He feels so raw on the inside, like all his edges are scraping against each other without his magic there to smooth him out, to sink into his cracks and calm his soul. “I feel so hollow. Without my magic I'm an empty shell.”

His voice sounds just as weak as he feels on the inside.

Alec's broad hands sweep over his shoulders, his neck, his hair and Magnus tries to find comfort in him, he really does, but his heart is broken over this loss and he doubts it will ever recover from losing this integral part of himself.

Alec lets a few moments pass before he speaks.

“You could never be an empty shell. You're brimming with kindness and compassion and love. Your gentleness alone is enough to let you outshine the sun.”

“You think so?” Magnus asks, unconfidently.

“Magnus.” The movement of Alec's hands ceases and he tugs Magnus up to face him. Magnus doesn't resist. Alec has seen him cry before.

Alec's eyes are soft, but unyielding. “I don't _think_ so. I look at you and I see irrefutable proof. You are who you are not because of your magic, but because of _you_. Nobody could possibly take that away from you.”

Magnus sighs, unconvinced. “I don't know if I can believe that.”

Alec touches his cheek softly. “You will. I don't have the slightest doubt about that.”

Magnus's heart beats a little faster at Alec's unwavering conviction. At least one of them is sure that he will make it through this. Maybe this will be enough.

Magnus leans in, just to be close, touching his cheek to Alec's, a silent _thank you_. For a few moments they breath each other in, then Magnus sinks back on Alec's chest.

Alec continues his caresses, fingers trailing aimlessly across Magnus's back.

Minutes pass in peaceful silence. Magnus has almost drifted off when Alec strains to press his lips to the top of Magnus's head and whispers, “I will never forget what you have sacrificed for me and I will never stop trying to make it up to you. I know it won't ever be enough but I promise you, I'll give you everything I have.”

Magnus hesitates if he should reveal that he's awake, but in the end it's not really a choice to lay a kiss against Alexander's beating heart.

Alec's fingers falter in their stroking for a moment, before resuming. “You're awake.”

“So are you.” Magnus brushes his lips over Alec's skin. “Was I not supposed to hear that?”

Alec doesn't answer and Magnus feels a surge of affection for him, warming his insides.

“You're wrong, you know,” he says softly.

He can _feel_ Alec's uncomprehending frown. “You love me.  That's more than I ever could have asked for. You have nothing to make up for.”

Alec's grip around him tightens. “Magnus.”

Magnus relaxes in Alec's hold, a calm washing over him that's reserved for when he's in Alec's arms.

“I _love_ you,” Alec vows, reverently.

Magnus closes his eyes, feeling content for the first time since giving up his magic.

“I know. And I love you, too.”

 

 


End file.
